The evening began with an intended 6pm pre-game cookout at Sports Cap’n Central. Both grills took alight around 5:45 and were in white-red hotness prime for burning assorted fleshes right at 6pm. MWTFP (Most WTF player) goes at this point to everyone for not coming until 7pm or later despite the need to remobilize for the field by 7:45. While Sports Cap’n takes his share of the blame for not emailing everyone a reminder until 4:20pm the day of the event, he feels his apt grill lighting and web updates tempers his own role in the grill failure. At any rate, this pregame gone wrong was to prove the downfall of all. Team members rushed through their flesh burnings, rushed through the eatings & the sports before sports, culiminating in lots of people late to the game.

Once at the field, the conditions went from slack to suck when it became clear TSGT not only wasn’t ready to play, but also wasn’t sporting a proper balance Y chromosomes: we proved to be a woman short. This caused the appearance of MVPWIOOT (Most Valuable Player Who Isn’t On Our Team), a woman known simply as Meg. She had some mad catcher kicker skillz & did us proud but proved to be not enough to stop up the chinks in TSGT’s once Cohesive Sports Net. Like the proverbial Crocodile Hunter, we found ourselves fighting the wrong fight & getting killed by the proverbial stingray to the proverbial blood stream (proverbially).

It was a game of eternal catch-up, which was played by all in the Team Sports Glory Team camp. For every Kickbot action there was a less than equal TSGT re-action that was jaded & defeated before it began. Ultimately negativity reigned and we were defeated. MVP goes to Rabbit Child for his killer consistency and all ’round good sportiness. LVP goes to Ten Percenter for a herculean throw meant to get the ball from left field to the first baseman — only it was thrown from perhaps 2 feet away from the first-base line.

All said & done, it was clear that TSGT had neither what it took to win nor what it took to have fun. Clearly practice sessions will need to commence to find the spark of positive randomness and fan it into a towering inferno for future endeavors, lest we all freeze as embittered old spinsters.

Kickbots have once again sought to defend their honor from Team Sports Glory Team besmirchment. And their wiley wiles besmirched us besmirchingingly. Yet out of nowhere a new contender in the White Trash Cheese Dip umpires. They seemed to single handedly shift an epic battle into one of resentment & sadness for everyone, including grains of sand and blades of grass. The entire field felt sadness and bewilderment. Out of nowhere negative 25 points were awarded to Team Sports Glory Team in respect for the fact that TSGT’s belligerence capacity equals that of a small, drunken nation. In the end it seemed the refs would win today. 

Team Sports Glory noted the mysterious absence of Sports Cap’n, who it was rumored was busy osmotically preparing himself for asexual reproduction by fission. In his place Marie “Kinder Bueno” Kay was appointed vice chancellor of captainitude. her first act as VCC was to not show up and thus a bloodless coup ensued beautiful enough to make William of Orange weep. In her stead Charles “Wasn’t I always Vice Captain anyways?” “Drunken Master” Lagerquist was on hand to lay down the smack and talk and smack talk.

This was a night of nights. Kicking of kicking. Our old arch-nemeses, the Kickbots, demanded more opportunities to beat us at our own game, and so we gave it to them. We prepared vehemently via 2 full hours of pregaming. We feasted. We stretched. We drank from the skulls of fallen adversaries. All of these preparations combined for a game which earned us more anti-Kickbot runs than any other team in our league. A valiant 8 runs were scored, thanks in part to HR King, Buttons. 

Luckily, they scored even more. All of this was according to plan, since we must avoid at all costs, actually being responsible for playing in any tournaments or other such exports of effort beyond what we were signed up for.