There were funky china men
From funky china town
They were chopping them up
They were chopping them down
It’s an ancient chinese art
And everybody knew their part
From a faintin’ to a sniff
And a kicking from the hip

Everybody was kung pao fightin’
Those kids were fast as lightin’
In fact it was a little bit frightnin’
But they fought with expert timin’

In a stunning round of kickballing and last-minute pregaming, TSGT found a way to out-drink the Herkimer Heroes. This led to a good many feats of strength and sports. Sod Buster slid into 3rd and was renamed Ankle Buster. And her pinch runner pinched runs. 

With everything tied in the bottom of the ninth, Montissimo’s boots of belgian glory knocked loose the final run to help us become victorious, with Steeburns frolicking home in slow motion.

Tonight’s matchup pitted bitter rivals White Trash Cheese Dip Umps against Team Sports Glory Team for the second week in a row. This time, however, TSGT was in the haouse, burning down the haouse, and then running screaming from the haouse, etc. Bob and weave. Juke steps. 720º spins while flying through the air. 

The shit went down and no one was safe, not even Charles. The scale of rampant randomness was far too much for our poor umps to handle. COHESIVE SPORTS WHAT?!?!? AAArrrrcghhhh….. As a final attempt at retaliation, the umps launched an ejection attack against TSGT’s own Drunken Bastard, who deflected it using only the power of the sun, a bic pen, and his shiny white ass. The net result was a utter defeat for said White Trash Cheese Dip umps.

In other news the apparent fission of Sports Cap’n went well, with the arrival of “Ianfinetismal” - the next successor in the Sports Cap’n - Chubtoe empire of sports kickitude.

Kickbots have once again sought to defend their honor from Team Sports Glory Team besmirchment. And their wiley wiles besmirched us besmirchingingly. Yet out of nowhere a new contender in the White Trash Cheese Dip umpires. They seemed to single handedly shift an epic battle into one of resentment & sadness for everyone, including grains of sand and blades of grass. The entire field felt sadness and bewilderment. Out of nowhere negative 25 points were awarded to Team Sports Glory Team in respect for the fact that TSGT’s belligerence capacity equals that of a small, drunken nation. In the end it seemed the refs would win today. 

Team Sports Glory noted the mysterious absence of Sports Cap’n, who it was rumored was busy osmotically preparing himself for asexual reproduction by fission. In his place Marie “Kinder Bueno” Kay was appointed vice chancellor of captainitude. her first act as VCC was to not show up and thus a bloodless coup ensued beautiful enough to make William of Orange weep. In her stead Charles “Wasn’t I always Vice Captain anyways?” “Drunken Master” Lagerquist was on hand to lay down the smack and talk and smack talk.